Sniffing the broccoli
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The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 馃檹馃徏
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they鈥檙e on a double date with ghosts
if your name is Christy and you鈥檙e fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren鈥檛 you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that鈥檚 what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Please don鈥檛 interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
馃槀
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?