There is wisdom there.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Friday night party time 🥳
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
every single time
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.