Alexa, make me look good naked.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
mmm onion ringos
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
how to market bottled water to dads
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨