Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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If Mr Krabs owned a bar
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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I would like even faster food.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…