Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer