Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.