funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Sunday
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Never forget.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want