When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Well, my evening plans are ruined
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.