Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You Might Also Like
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have