can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.