so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Baby formula = dad x mom 馃え
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I鈥檇 sue.
Friend: I haven鈥檛 used it yet.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can鈥檛 wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!