I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old