Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Print is alive and well!!!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
How your email finds me
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝