Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
😎 🍻