If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”