One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
You Might Also Like
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
fourth time’s the charm
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
(Jupiter –
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.