Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Your secret is safeish with me
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.