A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
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I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.