The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’d hang this in my house.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.