Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”