Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u