You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.