I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
SPLOOT
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.