I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
They’re really bad with fonts.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.