“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.