Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.