BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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not seeing the problem
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats