“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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BaD BoY!!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.