ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
peeping toms
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*