Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.