If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.