I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.