so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
finally
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
the answer was staring at me all along