People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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yes… yes…
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool