*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.