The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you