Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
notice
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.