Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Stop it! 😂
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Why is everyone getting married at me
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”