Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I unironically love this joke.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
my astrological sign is a french fry
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar