FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
broke down and did it
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*