My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”