waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
philosophical skeletons be like
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Finally!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”