How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.