A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes