sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me