ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.