*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.