What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You Might Also Like
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
giddy up Office Depot
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule