[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My god she’s good.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he