First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks